Every manager, at some point in his or her career, will be forced to have “that” conversation with one of their employees. The term “awkward” doesn’t begin to measure up to the depth of discomfort that both of you will be experiencing the moment the conversation begins.
The Ugly Truth
According to leadership blogger Daniel McCarthy, the “10 employee conversations that managers hate to have” center around these topics: poor performance, co-worker clashes, stinky staffers, promotion passed-overs, terminations, substance suspicions, mental-health maladies, fashion faux pas, musings of motherhood and monetary mysteries of the missing kind.
In my career, I’ve had the misfortune of needing to address all 10 of those topics with employees, along with a few additional topics (“So, that’s you in the video putting the excrement in the vending machine, right?”) that would make McCarthy’s list look downright mundane. But the most difficult conversations to approach are the ones that are not based on your own observations, but are brought to you by a third party with the very clear “so do something about it” expectation (stated or not).
By a wide margin, the number-one office offense managers seek advice to address is…? The stink factor. Although usually a problem based on a lack of personal hygiene, a common variant is the noxious-cologne complaint, often accompanied by the allergic-reaction assertion to ensure it’s taken seriously and addressed promptly.
Next, after the issues brought by co-workers within noseshot, are those within earshot, protesting the persistent sniffing-snorting-coughing of a co-worker who clearly has more of a chronic tic than a cold or flu and somehow has never discovered that thing called a tissue.
Loud talkers and headphone-wearing cubicle singers fall into that earshot group as well, but these are trumped in volume (and level of awkwardness) by the complaint of “sexual harassment” that really isn’t (by definition) but is more the result of things like what Jerry Seinfeld coined as a “close talker,” or the pure-intention remark of “you look nice today” to someone who wasn’t in the mood to hear it.
Distinguishing between valid sexual harassment complaints that need to be addressed from situations that were honest misinterpretations and from those of false accusations based on intentionally twisted details of a situation would take a whole second (or third) article to cover, but all three situations are going to require an unpleasant conversation. “Awkward” won’t even begin to cover it.
So Do Something About it
Every situation will be different, particular to the details and people involved, but here’s my own top 10 list of guidelines that will help you get through those awkward conversations with less stress and more finesse.
1. Prepare with Purpose. Make sure you have your facts straight and be clear about why you really need to have this conversation. Don’t address the issue because it’s “annoying” (subjective); make sure you can articulate how the issue impacts business or productivity in a negative way (objective). Have a clear concept of what the ideal outcome looks like, too. How do you hope they’ll respond? What would they need to do to improve the situation?
2. Permission to Speak. In How to Hold a Difficult Conversation, Susan M. Heathfield says, “Start by stating you have some feedback you’d like to share. Ask if it’s a good time or if the employee would prefer to select another time and place.” This gives the employee a moment to brace for it and lets you safely forecast it so you’re not tempted to delay the “awkward” with disingenuous chit-chat.
3. Inquiring Minds Want to Know. “Be open to hear first what the other person has to say before reaching closure in your mind,” says Bruna Martinuzzi in her 12 Tips for Handling Difficult Conversations. “Even if the evidence is so clear that there is no reason to beat around the bush, we still owe it to the person to let them tell their story.”
4. Play It Straight and Don’t Debate. You followed guideline number two, bypassing the small-talk misdirection, so now you just need to get to the point. Maintain an approach of respect and professionalism and resist the temptation to get sucked into a counterproductive back and forth about the perceptions versus the reality of the situation. Perceptions ARE reality in these situations.
5. Avoid Combat with Active Coaching. Give them a “win” by helping them show their co-workers that they are invested in being a part of a positive working environment. Focus on the benefits that change can bring and help them find the path that leads to a solution.
6. It’s Business AND Personal. While your focus is on the business impact of the offending action, recognize that it will be incredibly personal to the person receiving the feedback. It’s important to point out the business impact part as the catalyst for the conversation, but don’t keep drilling it as a counterpoint to their emotional reactions.
7. I Second that Emotion. Your employee is entitled to his or her emotions, and it will help to acknowledge that. While you don’t want to be dismissive of an emotional reaction that seems disproportionate, you also don’t want to draw attention to it if you can see the employee is trying to keep it concealed. You could escalate their reaction in an unpleasant direction.
8. Don’t Sidestep Significance. “Do not give in to the temptation to amplify the feedback, or excuse your responsibility for the feedback, by stating that a number of co-workers have complained,” adds Heathfield. “This heightens the embarrassment and harms the recovery of the person receiving feedback.” It also implies that you don’t agree that it’s a problem — you’re just the messenger — and if you don’t agree that it’s significant and needs to change, why would they?
9. The Shirk Jerk. Never shirk your management responsibility to address the issue one-on-one with the employee by orchestrating a “group training” on the topic. Everyone who isn’t the problem will know exactly what you’re doing (and who the real target is), and they will quickly lose respect for you. The person who is the problem will eventually figure it out and will resent you for making it an issue of public discussion, rather than just addressing them privately.
10. Risks and Liabilities. Some issues you’ll need to address may have hidden legal implications, so be cautious how you address them. Is that body odor or bad breath a result of a medical condition? Did a comment really constitute harassment or would it never happen again had the offending employee had any idea how it was taken?
At the end of the day, you owe it to the employee to address the issues directly, promptly and with respect to give them the greatest opportunity to not only correct the problem but survive the embarrassment of having missed that social cue that it was a problem to begin with.
Lauren Yost is NRPA’s Vice President of Operations.